This week I’ve been taking him to basketball camp at the school he attends.  The coaches are great…real relaxed and laid back.  DS actually has a lot of fun while he’s there…I think.  Yesterday when I picked DS up he mentioned to me that he had to sit out a few times for his behavior.  Then he told me what he did…it was stupid stuff and I’m sure he left out some details.  So this morning I wondered if I should ask the coaches how DS was doing and eventually decided against it, figuring that they would say something to me if it was a real issue.  Well, they mentioned it to me when I dropped him off. Great. Nice. Wonderful.

The coaches were nice about it, even saying, “I’m sure you know what he’s like better than we do.”  Basically, DS is a butt-head.  I’ve raised a butt-head.  I am not happy.  I told the coaches to keep sitting him out if they need to….to keep doing what they think they need to do.  Ugh…then they were kidding around but actually said, “You don’t want me to call mom if you are acting up do you?” PLEASE…don’t call mom!!  I think I handled the situation well…non-defensive…non-angry…just matter-of-factly.  But I’m just upset that this always happens with DS.  When, if ever, will he act right and respectful?  It’s so frustrating.  It’s like beating my head against a brick wall with him.

One of DS’s classmates was at our neighborhood pool last week.  DS was in a pretty calm mood so I thought it was great.  He could interact with a classmate outside of school and have a good experience.  Things were going well.  I thought.  DS was his normal self (which is difficult and challenging on a good day) but was behaving well for me.  When we decided to leave the pool I had to “manage” DS, which is normal for him, but it was non-confrontational…cool as a cucumber.  The classmate’s mom and her friend were lounging in the chairs near our things…so I was able to overhear them talk.  DS was by the  pool’s edge chatting and generally goofing off when the friend said, “that’s a pretty aggressive kid.”  Now, DS wasn’t being aggressive.  In fact no kids were being aggressive.  So I was a bit confused about who she was talking about, but I had a feeling she was talking about my son. In the next instant, the classmate’s mom says to me, “Are  you his mom? Our kids go to the same school.”

Turn on the charm.

“Yes I am!  It’s nice to meet you.” That’s what I say, but I’m thinking:  Oh my gosh the friend was talking about DS…she just ran interference with me!

Now my mind is going in overdrive, what does she think about DS, what does she know about DS, who has she talked to about DS, what has DS done to her son, what do I do, how do I approach this…I’m pretty much in melt down mode while trying to keep a calm exterior.  So I busy myself with getting the kiddos dried off and ready to go so I don’t have to say anything, because, clearly, I’m a busy mom of three!  As we leave…none too soon at this point…DS says to the mom, “Will you come back to our pool sometime?”  Very nice and welcoming…he honestly wants to be a friend and have a friend from school.  She says, “Yes.”  He says, “Good!”  I smile and say something nice while feeling completely awkward.  Let’s get outta here is what I’m thinking.  I’m totally in “flight” mode….ready to avoid any uncomfortable situations.  This is what my life is like.

I hope beyond reason that DS will have okay social skills and will have friends.  The reality of it is that he is an anxious mess and is not always kind and gentle.  It’s hard for him to make friends.  As a result of his behavior I am constantly having to mend fences, fix problems, run interference, etc.  I have found that many of the mom’s of his classmates have a preconceived idea of me based on his behavior.  And I’m afraid of running up against it…I have tried in the past.  Parents don’t want to schedule playdates with DS.  I’ve tried.  There is always something else they have going on.  “I’ll call you sometime to set something up.”  It never happens.  No one RSVP’d to DS’s birthday party two years ago.  As a result only 1 friend came to the party we had planned for many kids…since I didn’t know who was coming.  Can you imagine?  Being a kid, expecting to have friends come to your party,and NO ONE shows?  It’s hurtful to say the least.

I keep hoping that things will get easier.  Right now, hope is really letting me down.

And as another example, my book club read “Walden” by Henry David Thoreau for the month of May.  Notice I said “my book club” read it.  Not me!  I think I read 12 pages!  Sorry Mr. Thoreau!  It was one of those books that you have to be secluded to get into…and I am rarely secluded.  My life is full of children “issues” to put it mildly so to actually sit down and read a thinking book is a bit of a challenge.  My book club seemed to enjoy the book and I certainly enjoyed listening to them discuss it.  I just don’t think I will have the time (or the right attitude – if I’m honest here) to actually read it.  Good intentions really….honestly…somewhere in the bottom of my heart is the will to read “Kabul 24″  and “Walden”…I just haven’t found it yet!

Of course, I have found the time to read a few of Diana Gabaldon’s books (by a few I mean 5 of the 6) and a couple of “Real Simple” magazines in all my “spare” time.  I’m all about Scottish fiction/history/time travel and organizational magazines it seems.  Those are no-brainers for me.  They either take me away from my life for a few moments or help me simplify my life.  Who doesn’t enjoy that?!  Sheesh!

Anyway, I think I will enjoy the book club’s next book.  It’s fiction!  In fact I’m already half way through “The Grapes of Wrath.”  It’s pretty interesting and I’m ashamed of my public school upbringing that didn’t make me read it before now.  But I’m sad to say (well not really sad) that I probably won’t read that book publishers book or Mr. Thoreau’s book.  So let’s just count this as their book reviews and be done with it shall we?

The only downsides to me working outside the home is that I have less time to spend with the kids and life is a bit more hectic.  I don’t have a lot of extra time to keep up with normal everyday things so the house is a little messier and the hubby has to pick up a little more slack.  But, I wouldn’t change it for anything.  I needed to work for myself…to keep that essential part of me intact.

I have been soul searching about careers amongst other things.  Now that I have figured out that teaching is my “thing” the only questions that remain are the what, who and where to teaching.  I am currently teaching at the pre-school level and it is satisfying for now.  However, knowing myself a little better now, I don’t think I will be there for 10+ years because I need “routine change” (see a previous post).  I would love to teach at the college level but I’m not sure what I would teach.  You see, I’m trained in music education, and that is no longer a passion for me.  Teaching music really didn’t bring me joy…at all.  I want to live a full and rich life.  I am not going to settle any longer.  So the quest continues towards a fulfilling career for me.  I’ll get there eventually…

It feels like I’m in a transition stage in my life.  I seem to have multiple transitions going on at once and it’s keeping me busy…not fulfilled…busy.  I really want the “busy” part of life to go away!  Oh my gosh!  It’s so draining to be this busy!  And it is hard to explain to anyone who doesn’t have 3 children or an anxiety ridden husband and son.  There are always loose ends to tie up, children to guide, children to soothe, children to bring to extra-curricular activities (all 3 have 1 each), schedules to manage (mine, theirs, ours), appointments to make or make it to (hopefully on time)…it’s just so much to keep up with and can be very overwhelming.  It makes life busy…not full.  There is a difference.  I want the fullness of life…not the busy of life.  When I have down time, time to do something for me, I’m too tired to do anything but veg or sleep.  I’m wondering when this transition stage will end…hopefully soon.  At the very minimum something has to change…needs to change.  Question is, will it happen…the change?  Only time will tell.

Until then, I run the race I’ve been given to run.  I will run it the best I know how and strive for living a life to the fullest.  A life full of  joy and happiness.  I know it’s out there somewhere for me.  I can just feel it!  Cheers!

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m not going all “Pollyana” on you here.  This year has also given me some tremendous challenges.  Even in the past two weeks I’ve been pushed beyond reason and don’t really understand why, but the fact of the matter is that I don’t need to know why.  All I need to know is that I have a God that loves me more faithfully than I can fathom and He will help me through all circumstances.  I am at peace with that and that alone will carry me through.  God rocks!!

May all of you who read my little blog have a happy and thankful Thanksgiving.  Love to you all!

Now for a few minutes I panicked.  Neither of these two have had their flu shots yet because of their pediatrician’s office not having any available.  My son has asthma so the flu shot is a necessary thing in our household.  So I panicked…for about 5 minutes.  Until my son asked me a random question, “Mom, why does your temperature go up after you eat?”  Now my mind is whirling around why is he asking THIS question.  You see, we have been taking their temps pretty regularly because of absences in their school, and the night before my DH took their temps after they ate dinner.  I made a remark about needing to take them again because our temps go UP when we eat…our food being metabolized and processed makes our body temps rise…we are at “work” so to speak.  I KNOW my smart son heard this last night.  So here’s the question, is it simply coincidence that he asks this question on the car ride home from school?  The suspicious side of me says no….I think he ate something and then complained about “not feeling well” and fed into the school’s anxieties over illness.  But I don’t know for sure and will never know.

Here’s the kicker.  I called the doctor’s office to make an appointment for both of them that day…since they were sick and coming home early from school.  The nurse AND the doctor took one look at my son and said, “He doesn’t have the flu, maybe just a mild cold. We’ve seen a lot of flu and this isn’t it.”  Not to mention his temp at the doctor’s office was 98/99  just a few hours after I picked him up from school mind you.  This morning my son’s temp was 96 and has remained there all day.  Kinda’ makes you wonder doesn’t it?  He’s such a smart cookie.  He played on the anxiety of the school over illness and remembered what I said about eating and temperatures and worked out a “free day” for himself.  Of course, I can’t prove it, but in my gut I know it’s so.  Call it “mom’s intuition.”  Adolescence is going to be sooo much fun with him! (can you pick up on the sarcasm here?)

Now, as for sickness, my daughter is sick and I am too.  I’ve lost my voice and am coughing without a fever.  My daughter lost her fever sometime midday today but is still coughing.  So we do have some sickness around.  Thankfully not the flu, but a virus none-the-less.  We are treating the symptoms and getting through it.  My DH has worked from home for 2 days to help out, God love him.  I haven’t had total free time at home, but at least I didn’t have to manage 3 kids while feeling pitiful.  We’ve tag teamed pretty well and I definitely feel better than yesterday, but still sick.  Moms never get a day off or a vacation or a sick day.  We are always on duty.  It’s part of the job description!

I’ve been doing a lot of reading recently about what has been going on with my son. The book was awesome; “Living with Intensity.” It ties in with another book I’ve been reading called “Emotional Intelligence.” They are both written by PhD’s in psychology. The first is about gifted kids, adolescents and adults. How being gifted lends itself to over-excitability and intensity in character and determination. I related a lot to this book and have come to the realization that I was one of those overlooked gifted kids in school. The public school system didn’t classify me as gifted because I didn’t “perform” on standardized tests. I hate standardized tests much like my son does now and always felt pressure to achieve…leaving me anxious about not finishing on time. So it explains a lot about why I feel so INTENSELY over my son being “overlooked” at his school now. I feel the injustice being served to him and feel a need to protect him from what happened to me. I tell you…when you are constantly feeling like you are smart enough to do something but the “authority figures” tell you that you aren’t qualified or smart enough to do it…it really hurts your self-esteem. Something I’ve been dealing with for a long time…low self-esteem. I’m very thankful for this book because it has validated me. It has also turned my world upside down so I’m struggling with a lot of different thoughts about my past, present and future. I’ve been aiming too low in life…now just to get over my fear of failure and to aim a little higher.

The second book, “Emotional Intelligence” talks about another type of intelligence, possibly a more important intelligence than what our schools teach us. How to relate to others and yourself to successfully move through life. Being sensitive to your own needs and the needs of others…to empathize and identify with others lends to a more enriching life to live. The two books really go hand in hand. For if Emotional Intelligence were taught in schools today, kids would be much more successful in life (outside of academics) and many gifted children would not be overlooked. Gifted kids can exhibit highly intense emotions…emotions that need to be addressed in schools. Unfortunately many schools today just see the acting out of emotions they can’t put in words as “bad behavior” and are thus labeled as difficult or troubled kids. School administrators and teachers need to be schooled in emotional intelligence. I feel that until our public school system can adequately address the emotional needs of kids along with academic needs they are a failure and will never be able to truly identify kids with potential or help those in real trouble.

I’m still mentally sorting through all this since I’m struggling with how to help my son at his charter school. The big questions are: How do you educate the Educators? Can they look past me as a mere parent and see me as a gifted individual with a major handle on the issue concerning my son? or will they simply refuse to break free from their institutionalized thinking and only see me as interfering? The school at the moment can’t relate to or understand what I’m saying.

You see…I have a lot going on in my mind sometimes…so when I’m bored at home…I get pretty restless…like I need to do something! I need to do more than just sit at home with my lovely 3 year old…routine change…hmmmm…still thinking on that!

the thoughts must process at different speeds
for different things and different needs

they come and go without delay
“stop and think!”
“about what?” I’d say.

the kids, the home, the husband, the pets
the school, the church, a lot upset
getting it “right” or getting it “wrong”
who’s to say where it all belongs

topsy turvey and around they go
the thoughts – some deep, others no

they make my head hurt
they cause more confusion
I feel like I’m right
they think I’m deluded

Peace shall come
some day or night
one day…ONE DAY
it will be alright!!

To top it off, we all have a low grade fever of 100. ALL FIVE OF US! So no one is feeling exactly wonderful meaning we are all pretty crabby with each other. No symptoms other than the occasional sniffle and feeling cruddy in general. We can count our blessings about that I suppose. But it looks like church is out of the question in the morning…too many sick people..must be quarantined…hope the kids can go to school Monday! REALLY hope the kids can go to school Monday!

We were first in line to take our child home that day.  The most remarkable part for me was that she didn’t cry when they  “handed her over.”  Most kids cry when a complete stranger holds them..DD#2 did not.  In fact, she gave me a small smile!  It was wonderful!  However, she did cry once all the other children started to cry.  It’s hard to stay composed when 11 other children are screaming bloody murder…I understand!

She is such a wonderful child…so full of energy, happiness and joy.  She is a wonderful addition to our family and I am so thankful for her and her birth parents.  Without her birth parents making that incredibly difficult decision to leave her at the orphanage doorstep 3 years ago I wouldn’t have this wonderful child as my own.  God took a difficult and horrible situation and turned it to good by placing her in our arms two years ago.  God is good!

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