I don’t know why I’m surprised. My son hasn’t changed. It’s probably that I hope he acts different, especially when I think I have finally gotten through to him. We’ve had many talks and examples (life lessons) in the past two weeks about how his behavior reflects upon the family. He seemed to understand it, but I guess he’s more thick-headed than I thought. Either that or I’m just disappointed and let down.
This week I’ve been taking him to basketball camp at the school he attends. The coaches are great…real relaxed and laid back. DS actually has a lot of fun while he’s there…I think. Yesterday when I picked DS up he mentioned to me that he had to sit out a few times for his behavior. Then he told me what he did…it was stupid stuff and I’m sure he left out some details. So this morning I wondered if I should ask the coaches how DS was doing and eventually decided against it, figuring that they would say something to me if it was a real issue. Well, they mentioned it to me when I dropped him off. Great. Nice. Wonderful.
The coaches were nice about it, even saying, “I’m sure you know what he’s like better than we do.” Basically, DS is a butt-head. I’ve raised a butt-head. I am not happy. I told the coaches to keep sitting him out if they need to….to keep doing what they think they need to do. Ugh…then they were kidding around but actually said, “You don’t want me to call mom if you are acting up do you?” PLEASE…don’t call mom!! I think I handled the situation well…non-defensive…non-angry…just matter-of-factly. But I’m just upset that this always happens with DS. When, if ever, will he act right and respectful? It’s so frustrating. It’s like beating my head against a brick wall with him.
One of DS’s classmates was at our neighborhood pool last week. DS was in a pretty calm mood so I thought it was great. He could interact with a classmate outside of school and have a good experience. Things were going well. I thought. DS was his normal self (which is difficult and challenging on a good day) but was behaving well for me. When we decided to leave the pool I had to “manage” DS, which is normal for him, but it was non-confrontational…cool as a cucumber. The classmate’s mom and her friend were lounging in the chairs near our things…so I was able to overhear them talk. DS was by the pool’s edge chatting and generally goofing off when the friend said, “that’s a pretty aggressive kid.” Now, DS wasn’t being aggressive. In fact no kids were being aggressive. So I was a bit confused about who she was talking about, but I had a feeling she was talking about my son. In the next instant, the classmate’s mom says to me, “Are you his mom? Our kids go to the same school.”
Turn on the charm.
“Yes I am! It’s nice to meet you.” That’s what I say, but I’m thinking: Oh my gosh the friend was talking about DS…she just ran interference with me!
Now my mind is going in overdrive, what does she think about DS, what does she know about DS, who has she talked to about DS, what has DS done to her son, what do I do, how do I approach this…I’m pretty much in melt down mode while trying to keep a calm exterior. So I busy myself with getting the kiddos dried off and ready to go so I don’t have to say anything, because, clearly, I’m a busy mom of three! As we leave…none too soon at this point…DS says to the mom, “Will you come back to our pool sometime?” Very nice and welcoming…he honestly wants to be a friend and have a friend from school. She says, “Yes.” He says, “Good!” I smile and say something nice while feeling completely awkward. Let’s get outta here is what I’m thinking. I’m totally in “flight” mode….ready to avoid any uncomfortable situations. This is what my life is like.
I hope beyond reason that DS will have okay social skills and will have friends. The reality of it is that he is an anxious mess and is not always kind and gentle. It’s hard for him to make friends. As a result of his behavior I am constantly having to mend fences, fix problems, run interference, etc. I have found that many of the mom’s of his classmates have a preconceived idea of me based on his behavior. And I’m afraid of running up against it…I have tried in the past. Parents don’t want to schedule playdates with DS. I’ve tried. There is always something else they have going on. “I’ll call you sometime to set something up.” It never happens. No one RSVP’d to DS’s birthday party two years ago. As a result only 1 friend came to the party we had planned for many kids…since I didn’t know who was coming. Can you imagine? Being a kid, expecting to have friends come to your party,and NO ONE shows? It’s hurtful to say the least.
I keep hoping that things will get easier. Right now, hope is really letting me down.