Hope Can Sometimes Let You Down

I don’t know why I’m surprised.  My son hasn’t changed.  It’s probably that I hope he acts different, especially when I think I have finally gotten through to him.  We’ve had many talks and examples (life lessons) in the past two weeks about how his behavior reflects upon the family.  He seemed to understand it, but I guess he’s more thick-headed than I thought.  Either that or I’m just disappointed and let down.

This week I’ve been taking him to basketball camp at the school he attends.  The coaches are great…real relaxed and laid back.  DS actually has a lot of fun while he’s there…I think.  Yesterday when I picked DS up he mentioned to me that he had to sit out a few times for his behavior.  Then he told me what he did…it was stupid stuff and I’m sure he left out some details.  So this morning I wondered if I should ask the coaches how DS was doing and eventually decided against it, figuring that they would say something to me if it was a real issue.  Well, they mentioned it to me when I dropped him off. Great. Nice. Wonderful.

The coaches were nice about it, even saying, “I’m sure you know what he’s like better than we do.”  Basically, DS is a butt-head.  I’ve raised a butt-head.  I am not happy.  I told the coaches to keep sitting him out if they need to….to keep doing what they think they need to do.  Ugh…then they were kidding around but actually said, “You don’t want me to call mom if you are acting up do you?” PLEASE…don’t call mom!!  I think I handled the situation well…non-defensive…non-angry…just matter-of-factly.  But I’m just upset that this always happens with DS.  When, if ever, will he act right and respectful?  It’s so frustrating.  It’s like beating my head against a brick wall with him.

One of DS’s classmates was at our neighborhood pool last week.  DS was in a pretty calm mood so I thought it was great.  He could interact with a classmate outside of school and have a good experience.  Things were going well.  I thought.  DS was his normal self (which is difficult and challenging on a good day) but was behaving well for me.  When we decided to leave the pool I had to “manage” DS, which is normal for him, but it was non-confrontational…cool as a cucumber.  The classmate’s mom and her friend were lounging in the chairs near our things…so I was able to overhear them talk.  DS was by the  pool’s edge chatting and generally goofing off when the friend said, “that’s a pretty aggressive kid.”  Now, DS wasn’t being aggressive.  In fact no kids were being aggressive.  So I was a bit confused about who she was talking about, but I had a feeling she was talking about my son. In the next instant, the classmate’s mom says to me, “Are  you his mom? Our kids go to the same school.”

Turn on the charm.

“Yes I am!  It’s nice to meet you.” That’s what I say, but I’m thinking:  Oh my gosh the friend was talking about DS…she just ran interference with me!

Now my mind is going in overdrive, what does she think about DS, what does she know about DS, who has she talked to about DS, what has DS done to her son, what do I do, how do I approach this…I’m pretty much in melt down mode while trying to keep a calm exterior.  So I busy myself with getting the kiddos dried off and ready to go so I don’t have to say anything, because, clearly, I’m a busy mom of three!  As we leave…none too soon at this point…DS says to the mom, “Will you come back to our pool sometime?”  Very nice and welcoming…he honestly wants to be a friend and have a friend from school.  She says, “Yes.”  He says, “Good!”  I smile and say something nice while feeling completely awkward.  Let’s get outta here is what I’m thinking.  I’m totally in “flight” mode….ready to avoid any uncomfortable situations.  This is what my life is like.

I hope beyond reason that DS will have okay social skills and will have friends.  The reality of it is that he is an anxious mess and is not always kind and gentle.  It’s hard for him to make friends.  As a result of his behavior I am constantly having to mend fences, fix problems, run interference, etc.  I have found that many of the mom’s of his classmates have a preconceived idea of me based on his behavior.  And I’m afraid of running up against it…I have tried in the past.  Parents don’t want to schedule playdates with DS.  I’ve tried.  There is always something else they have going on.  “I’ll call you sometime to set something up.”  It never happens.  No one RSVP’d to DS’s birthday party two years ago.  As a result only 1 friend came to the party we had planned for many kids…since I didn’t know who was coming.  Can you imagine?  Being a kid, expecting to have friends come to your party,and NO ONE shows?  It’s hurtful to say the least.

I keep hoping that things will get easier.  Right now, hope is really letting me down.

The end of an era, and the beginning of another

When I traveled to Ukraine to adopt my son it was definitely the end of my DINK (dual income no kids) freedom! I remember the orphanage workers putting my new son in my lap and he started to scream – I was at the time a complete stranger to him and he was scared. I remember thinking…"WHAT did I just agree to do?" I looked up to my husband and he had the same, "I think my life has just changed dramatically" look on his face. BOY! Nothing could have prepared me for that moment or the years that followed. Life would certainly never be the same again after adopting my now 9 year old son! Eight years and two more children later, I had no idea what the new chapters of my life would be like. It's been a roller coaster of a ride and the fun hasn't stopped yet!

Book Reviews…well, sorta…

I started writing book reviews for a publishers group last year, as many of you know.  Well, the last book I picked off their website was “Kabul 24”.  I have the book right here next to me…on the shelf with 7 other books I want to read or have already started to read.   I still want to read it, but I just can’t get up the will power to pick up the book.  Of course there is also the fact that one of my 3 children or my husband will interrupt me within 2 minutes of me sitting down to dive into the book.  I just have the feeling that this book is one I need to read when no one else is around or I just won’t get into it.

And as another example, my book club read “Walden” by Henry David Thoreau for the month of May.  Notice I said “my book club” read it.  Not me!  I think I read 12 pages!  Sorry Mr. Thoreau!  It was one of those books that you have to be secluded to get into…and I am rarely secluded.  My life is full of children “issues” to put it mildly so to actually sit down and read a thinking book is a bit of a challenge.  My book club seemed to enjoy the book and I certainly enjoyed listening to them discuss it.  I just don’t think I will have the time (or the right attitude – if I’m honest here) to actually read it.  Good intentions really….honestly…somewhere in the bottom of my heart is the will to read “Kabul 24”  and “Walden”…I just haven’t found it yet!

Of course, I have found the time to read a few of Diana Gabaldon’s books (by a few I mean 5 of the 6) and a couple of “Real Simple” magazines in all my “spare” time.  I’m all about Scottish fiction/history/time travel and organizational magazines it seems.  Those are no-brainers for me.  They either take me away from my life for a few moments or help me simplify my life.  Who doesn’t enjoy that?!  Sheesh!

Anyway, I think I will enjoy the book club’s next book.  It’s fiction!  In fact I’m already half way through “The Grapes of Wrath.”  It’s pretty interesting and I’m ashamed of my public school upbringing that didn’t make me read it before now.  But I’m sad to say (well not really sad) that I probably won’t read that book publishers book or Mr. Thoreau’s book.  So let’s just count this as their book reviews and be done with it shall we?

Life to the Fullest

Oh boy…it’s been since Thanksgiving since I blogged?!?!  To say I’ve been busy would be an understatement really.  Life, my life, has been full.  I started working again.  That is, working for a paycheck!  I’ve enjoyed it tremendously.  I’ve returned to teaching.   In the past few months I’ve come to understand that, yes, I am a teacher.  Teaching is the very core of who I am…and it comes naturally to me.  I enjoy the challenges it brings and just absolutely love watching a child actually “get it” and learn something.

The only downsides to me working outside the home is that I have less time to spend with the kids and life is a bit more hectic.  I don’t have a lot of extra time to keep up with normal everyday things so the house is a little messier and the hubby has to pick up a little more slack.  But, I wouldn’t change it for anything.  I needed to work for myself…to keep that essential part of me intact.

I have been soul searching about careers amongst other things.  Now that I have figured out that teaching is my “thing” the only questions that remain are the what, who and where to teaching.  I am currently teaching at the pre-school level and it is satisfying for now.  However, knowing myself a little better now, I don’t think I will be there for 10+ years because I need “routine change” (see a previous post).  I would love to teach at the college level but I’m not sure what I would teach.  You see, I’m trained in music education, and that is no longer a passion for me.  Teaching music really didn’t bring me joy…at all.  I want to live a full and rich life.  I am not going to settle any longer.  So the quest continues towards a fulfilling career for me.  I’ll get there eventually…

It feels like I’m in a transition stage in my life.  I seem to have multiple transitions going on at once and it’s keeping me busy…not fulfilled…busy.  I really want the “busy” part of life to go away!  Oh my gosh!  It’s so draining to be this busy!  And it is hard to explain to anyone who doesn’t have 3 children or an anxiety ridden husband and son.  There are always loose ends to tie up, children to guide, children to soothe, children to bring to extra-curricular activities (all 3 have 1 each), schedules to manage (mine, theirs, ours), appointments to make or make it to (hopefully on time)…it’s just so much to keep up with and can be very overwhelming.  It makes life busy…not full.  There is a difference.  I want the fullness of life…not the busy of life.  When I have down time, time to do something for me, I’m too tired to do anything but veg or sleep.  I’m wondering when this transition stage will end…hopefully soon.  At the very minimum something has to change…needs to change.  Question is, will it happen…the change?  Only time will tell.

Until then, I run the race I’ve been given to run.  I will run it the best I know how and strive for living a life to the fullest.  A life full of  joy and happiness.  I know it’s out there somewhere for me.  I can just feel it!  Cheers!

Thankfulness at Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday.  It’s my favorite because it’s not all hyped up like most of the other holidays we celebrate here in the US.  This is a time of year, crunched in-between all the hoopla over Halloween and Christmas, where we get to pause and enjoy the company of our family.  Either a loved one cooks a well-thought out dinner with all the trimmings or it’s a fun loving family-of-all-kinds pot luck dinner.  It’s a time to just spend with one another, to converse about deep things or not-so-deep things.  A time to laugh with and enjoy the people you love.  It’s also a time to reflect upon the blessings we have.  A time to be thankful to the Lord Almighty for all the provisions He has made for us during the year. This year, the Lord has blessed me with a healthy family, children who are blossoming into wonderful people, a husband who still has his job, and provided me with a job that is giving me soul satisfaction. If we all stay focused on these good things through the Christmas hub-bub and remember what is going well in our lives, our hearts will stay peaceful and continue to rest in the Lord.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m not going all “Pollyana” on you here.  This year has also given me some tremendous challenges.  Even in the past two weeks I’ve been pushed beyond reason and don’t really understand why, but the fact of the matter is that I don’t need to know why.  All I need to know is that I have a God that loves me more faithfully than I can fathom and He will help me through all circumstances.  I am at peace with that and that alone will carry me through.  God rocks!!

May all of you who read my little blog have a happy and thankful Thanksgiving.  Love to you all!