Hope Can Sometimes Let You Down

I don’t know why I’m surprised.  My son hasn’t changed.  It’s probably that I hope he acts different, especially when I think I have finally gotten through to him.  We’ve had many talks and examples (life lessons) in the past two weeks about how his behavior reflects upon the family.  He seemed to understand it, but I guess he’s more thick-headed than I thought.  Either that or I’m just disappointed and let down.

This week I’ve been taking him to basketball camp at the school he attends.  The coaches are great…real relaxed and laid back.  DS actually has a lot of fun while he’s there…I think.  Yesterday when I picked DS up he mentioned to me that he had to sit out a few times for his behavior.  Then he told me what he did…it was stupid stuff and I’m sure he left out some details.  So this morning I wondered if I should ask the coaches how DS was doing and eventually decided against it, figuring that they would say something to me if it was a real issue.  Well, they mentioned it to me when I dropped him off. Great. Nice. Wonderful.

The coaches were nice about it, even saying, “I’m sure you know what he’s like better than we do.”  Basically, DS is a butt-head.  I’ve raised a butt-head.  I am not happy.  I told the coaches to keep sitting him out if they need to….to keep doing what they think they need to do.  Ugh…then they were kidding around but actually said, “You don’t want me to call mom if you are acting up do you?” PLEASE…don’t call mom!!  I think I handled the situation well…non-defensive…non-angry…just matter-of-factly.  But I’m just upset that this always happens with DS.  When, if ever, will he act right and respectful?  It’s so frustrating.  It’s like beating my head against a brick wall with him.

One of DS’s classmates was at our neighborhood pool last week.  DS was in a pretty calm mood so I thought it was great.  He could interact with a classmate outside of school and have a good experience.  Things were going well.  I thought.  DS was his normal self (which is difficult and challenging on a good day) but was behaving well for me.  When we decided to leave the pool I had to “manage” DS, which is normal for him, but it was non-confrontational…cool as a cucumber.  The classmate’s mom and her friend were lounging in the chairs near our things…so I was able to overhear them talk.  DS was by the  pool’s edge chatting and generally goofing off when the friend said, “that’s a pretty aggressive kid.”  Now, DS wasn’t being aggressive.  In fact no kids were being aggressive.  So I was a bit confused about who she was talking about, but I had a feeling she was talking about my son. In the next instant, the classmate’s mom says to me, “Are  you his mom? Our kids go to the same school.”

Turn on the charm.

“Yes I am!  It’s nice to meet you.” That’s what I say, but I’m thinking:  Oh my gosh the friend was talking about DS…she just ran interference with me!

Now my mind is going in overdrive, what does she think about DS, what does she know about DS, who has she talked to about DS, what has DS done to her son, what do I do, how do I approach this…I’m pretty much in melt down mode while trying to keep a calm exterior.  So I busy myself with getting the kiddos dried off and ready to go so I don’t have to say anything, because, clearly, I’m a busy mom of three!  As we leave…none too soon at this point…DS says to the mom, “Will you come back to our pool sometime?”  Very nice and welcoming…he honestly wants to be a friend and have a friend from school.  She says, “Yes.”  He says, “Good!”  I smile and say something nice while feeling completely awkward.  Let’s get outta here is what I’m thinking.  I’m totally in “flight” mode….ready to avoid any uncomfortable situations.  This is what my life is like.

I hope beyond reason that DS will have okay social skills and will have friends.  The reality of it is that he is an anxious mess and is not always kind and gentle.  It’s hard for him to make friends.  As a result of his behavior I am constantly having to mend fences, fix problems, run interference, etc.  I have found that many of the mom’s of his classmates have a preconceived idea of me based on his behavior.  And I’m afraid of running up against it…I have tried in the past.  Parents don’t want to schedule playdates with DS.  I’ve tried.  There is always something else they have going on.  “I’ll call you sometime to set something up.”  It never happens.  No one RSVP’d to DS’s birthday party two years ago.  As a result only 1 friend came to the party we had planned for many kids…since I didn’t know who was coming.  Can you imagine?  Being a kid, expecting to have friends come to your party,and NO ONE shows?  It’s hurtful to say the least.

I keep hoping that things will get easier.  Right now, hope is really letting me down.

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Life to the Fullest

Oh boy…it’s been since Thanksgiving since I blogged?!?!  To say I’ve been busy would be an understatement really.  Life, my life, has been full.  I started working again.  That is, working for a paycheck!  I’ve enjoyed it tremendously.  I’ve returned to teaching.   In the past few months I’ve come to understand that, yes, I am a teacher.  Teaching is the very core of who I am…and it comes naturally to me.  I enjoy the challenges it brings and just absolutely love watching a child actually “get it” and learn something.

The only downsides to me working outside the home is that I have less time to spend with the kids and life is a bit more hectic.  I don’t have a lot of extra time to keep up with normal everyday things so the house is a little messier and the hubby has to pick up a little more slack.  But, I wouldn’t change it for anything.  I needed to work for myself…to keep that essential part of me intact.

I have been soul searching about careers amongst other things.  Now that I have figured out that teaching is my “thing” the only questions that remain are the what, who and where to teaching.  I am currently teaching at the pre-school level and it is satisfying for now.  However, knowing myself a little better now, I don’t think I will be there for 10+ years because I need “routine change” (see a previous post).  I would love to teach at the college level but I’m not sure what I would teach.  You see, I’m trained in music education, and that is no longer a passion for me.  Teaching music really didn’t bring me joy…at all.  I want to live a full and rich life.  I am not going to settle any longer.  So the quest continues towards a fulfilling career for me.  I’ll get there eventually…

It feels like I’m in a transition stage in my life.  I seem to have multiple transitions going on at once and it’s keeping me busy…not fulfilled…busy.  I really want the “busy” part of life to go away!  Oh my gosh!  It’s so draining to be this busy!  And it is hard to explain to anyone who doesn’t have 3 children or an anxiety ridden husband and son.  There are always loose ends to tie up, children to guide, children to soothe, children to bring to extra-curricular activities (all 3 have 1 each), schedules to manage (mine, theirs, ours), appointments to make or make it to (hopefully on time)…it’s just so much to keep up with and can be very overwhelming.  It makes life busy…not full.  There is a difference.  I want the fullness of life…not the busy of life.  When I have down time, time to do something for me, I’m too tired to do anything but veg or sleep.  I’m wondering when this transition stage will end…hopefully soon.  At the very minimum something has to change…needs to change.  Question is, will it happen…the change?  Only time will tell.

Until then, I run the race I’ve been given to run.  I will run it the best I know how and strive for living a life to the fullest.  A life full of  joy and happiness.  I know it’s out there somewhere for me.  I can just feel it!  Cheers!

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Thankfulness at Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday.  It’s my favorite because it’s not all hyped up like most of the other holidays we celebrate here in the US.  This is a time of year, crunched in-between all the hoopla over Halloween and Christmas, where we get to pause and enjoy the company of our family.  Either a loved one cooks a well-thought out dinner with all the trimmings or it’s a fun loving family-of-all-kinds pot luck dinner.  It’s a time to just spend with one another, to converse about deep things or not-so-deep things.  A time to laugh with and enjoy the people you love.  It’s also a time to reflect upon the blessings we have.  A time to be thankful to the Lord Almighty for all the provisions He has made for us during the year. This year, the Lord has blessed me with a healthy family, children who are blossoming into wonderful people, a husband who still has his job, and provided me with a job that is giving me soul satisfaction. If we all stay focused on these good things through the Christmas hub-bub and remember what is going well in our lives, our hearts will stay peaceful and continue to rest in the Lord.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m not going all “Pollyana” on you here.  This year has also given me some tremendous challenges.  Even in the past two weeks I’ve been pushed beyond reason and don’t really understand why, but the fact of the matter is that I don’t need to know why.  All I need to know is that I have a God that loves me more faithfully than I can fathom and He will help me through all circumstances.  I am at peace with that and that alone will carry me through.  God rocks!!

May all of you who read my little blog have a happy and thankful Thanksgiving.  Love to you all!

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Sickness Has Landed

The sickness that is going around has landed at our home this week.  It started last week with my youngest actually.  She ran a mild fever and a cough.  She is now fever free with an occasional cough.  I got “the call” yesterday from school saying that my son was running a fever and I needed to pick him  up.  Well, with only and hour left in the day I asked for my middle daughter to be ready to go too.  When I get there they inform me that she has a fever too.  UGH!  (Oh and I could blog an entire other post on why it was urgent to call me with 1 hour to go in school…he’s already been there all day and passed the illness to others, what’s another hour? But I digress!)

Now for a few minutes I panicked.  Neither of these two have had their flu shots yet because of their pediatrician’s office not having any available.  My son has asthma so the flu shot is a necessary thing in our household.  So I panicked…for about 5 minutes.  Until my son asked me a random question, “Mom, why does your temperature go up after you eat?”  Now my mind is whirling around why is he asking THIS question.  You see, we have been taking their temps pretty regularly because of absences in their school, and the night before my DH took their temps after they ate dinner.  I made a remark about needing to take them again because our temps go UP when we eat…our food being metabolized and processed makes our body temps rise…we are at “work” so to speak.  I KNOW my smart son heard this last night.  So here’s the question, is it simply coincidence that he asks this question on the car ride home from school?  The suspicious side of me says no….I think he ate something and then complained about “not feeling well” and fed into the school’s anxieties over illness.  But I don’t know for sure and will never know.

Here’s the kicker.  I called the doctor’s office to make an appointment for both of them that day…since they were sick and coming home early from school.  The nurse AND the doctor took one look at my son and said, “He doesn’t have the flu, maybe just a mild cold. We’ve seen a lot of flu and this isn’t it.”  Not to mention his temp at the doctor’s office was 98/99  just a few hours after I picked him up from school mind you.  This morning my son’s temp was 96 and has remained there all day.  Kinda’ makes you wonder doesn’t it?  He’s such a smart cookie.  He played on the anxiety of the school over illness and remembered what I said about eating and temperatures and worked out a “free day” for himself.  Of course, I can’t prove it, but in my gut I know it’s so.  Call it “mom’s intuition.”  Adolescence is going to be sooo much fun with him! (can you pick up on the sarcasm here?)

Now, as for sickness, my daughter is sick and I am too.  I’ve lost my voice and am coughing without a fever.  My daughter lost her fever sometime midday today but is still coughing.  So we do have some sickness around.  Thankfully not the flu, but a virus none-the-less.  We are treating the symptoms and getting through it.  My DH has worked from home for 2 days to help out, God love him.  I haven’t had total free time at home, but at least I didn’t have to manage 3 kids while feeling pitiful.  We’ve tag teamed pretty well and I definitely feel better than yesterday, but still sick.  Moms never get a day off or a vacation or a sick day.  We are always on duty.  It’s part of the job description!

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Houston, we have a problem…

It’s a full moon today…so that in itself lends to heightened frustrations with DS. We’ve recognized this pattern of him being highly affected by the moon cycles. He’s been highly argumentative and on edge today. So have I…so I’ve been trying to keep my distance from him…to avoid a major “blow up”…’cuz that would be bad! 🙂

To top it off, we all have a low grade fever of 100. ALL FIVE OF US! So no one is feeling exactly wonderful meaning we are all pretty crabby with each other. No symptoms other than the occasional sniffle and feeling cruddy in general. We can count our blessings about that I suppose. But it looks like church is out of the question in the morning…too many sick people..must be quarantined…hope the kids can go to school Monday! REALLY hope the kids can go to school Monday!

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